On route to Edmonton. Spent the last couple of days seeing friends and family & catching up – same thing everyone is doing I expect. Wish I had more time to spend with family: but that’s life. Looking forward to seeing friends in Edmonton. Headed to a winter solstice party this evening & then off to hang out with a friend (hopefully).

Feeling a bit of of control these days, but that’s normal now; I only wish it would feel that way. One of these days I’ll understand how to allow things to do what they do.

Looking forward to skiing Big White.

In Calgary with my partner Patrick at the moment for the holidays. Not for long though; we’ll be heading up to Edmonton with his folks next week to spend Christmas with his family.

Spent last night with my brothers catching up. Wishing I had spent more time with them – they’re awesome guys. Enjoying being back home.

Currently sitting at my Mom’s veterinary office as she finishes. The appeal of dogs has waned a bit as I’ve spent the day with her new dog Boone. He’s very smart and very precocious, which is a nice way to say that he can be a pain in the ass. I’m definitely in no place to have an animal.

Seeing a friend tomorrow, that’ll be nice.

Spent the weekend in Nottingham with friends; drinking, eating, generally embodying the sin of sloth – except for the dancing, that was kinda like exercise. Finally accomplished a small task while I was there as well – had been meaning to do it for years. Good weekend. Funny moods though – a bit too much revelry I’m thinking was the cause of that.

Cannot wait to go home for Christmas. Must be free for a bit. Going crazy.

Out in the countryside again – at a school doing Toy Theatres. It’s the end of the week.

Been a bit of a doozy, this one. Arrived back from Canada on Monday afternoon & went straight to work. Feel as though I haven’t had time to myself – haven’t been able to be myself. The period between finishing work & sleeping hasn’t been significant enough to really check-in. Still a bit disconnected from it all.

Saw some friends just before heading back to the UK. Went to Fight Night at the U of A and low and behold: Margaret Atwood was there – guess I found the party. Had drinks afterwards with my buddies (not with Margaret though – I was too shy to say anything), which made me want to just stay & work.

Definitely beginning to become caught between two places: but that’s the nature of my situation I suppose. I’m beginning to finish projects & very slowly preparing to leave, but it’s not possible to begin anything back home yet. This makes it seem as though everything is ending & there’s nothing to look forward to.

That all said, I’m still excited to see some friends this evening for a bit of a shindig in town.

The idea of Christmas is not as exciting as it was a couple of weeks ago. Again, at the moment I’m looking forward to when I can guiltlessly run my life as I want, rather than have to abide by a schedule of familial events. That said, I’m looking forward to meeting with friends to discuss future projects; and frustrated that plans can’t be solidified yet.

Been very sleepy lately – I don’t think it’s jet lag, I think I just need to sleep more. Still battling that cough I’ve had for something like 2 mo now; I finished my antibiotics & everything and it’s still lurking. Maybe I have consumption or some obscure Victorian ailment that’s cured with blood letting or leeches or something.

Things are almost sorted with the funeral. Everyone has their tasks – including myself. I’ve been asked to give the eulogy, which is a great honour; but it also worries the hell out of me. I’ve never given a eulogy before and to be honest, I can’t even remember the eulogies that I’ve heard – I’ve usually been a bit too busy trying to keep my composure. Regardless, tomorrow I’ll stand up & with the stories & memories from her family attempt to summarise Nora’s life in 5-10 min.

Is this what we get after a life of hardship & love?

In Edmonton at the moment. My partner Patrick’s grandmother passed away suddenly Thursday evening so we jumped on a plane and here we are. Came back to be with his family, help out anyway we could, attend the funeral and just be together. Strange times. She was a healthy lady.

The whole situation has brought home my mortality; as I’m sure it does anyone when it comes to the death of a family member. The idea that all of these heaps of flesh – organs, muscles, tendons – are working together to create a consciousness has never seemed so bizarre a concept. The mystery of life is once again a mystery.

The experience has made re-connecting with my own family a priority I have a grandmother – younger than Patrick’s – that’s certain she’s on her last legs. I can’t imagine my life without her and I’m desperate to spend some time with her. I don’t  need any sage advice from her, I just want to occupy the same space for a while. I just want to be alive in the same space for a while.

Been dreaming  odd dreams as of late. The last one was some type of Mad Max post-apocalyptic commune dream where the ideals had ended and the pragmatism of capital punishment was being fought for the gazillionth time. Is this what happens when you get older? You don’t sleep the night through? You’re awoken by twisted anxiety driven fantasies of the world you fear most?

I thing about growing up a lot. Maybe because I need to figure out how to fake it better now that people consider me one. But, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about growing up it’s rather than things changing (which they don’t) it’s that what does change is the way in which things are dealt with. For example, I’m as anxious as ever, but rather it being the all consuming topic of thought, it’s merely an ever-present simmering pool that only begins to bubble when all immediate emergencies are sorted; which is a sort of considerate, grown up thing of my mind to do if you think about it.

I’m too big for my suit now. Or almost too big – the trousers barely did up. I’d love to say I’m filling out, becoming a man, growing into myself, but the truth of it is I’m just a lazy shit. That sucks to think about.

On that note, here’s a picture of the YYC airport runway that I came off of – I thought the sunset pretty so I took a moment. Glad I did.

Took a school group through the theatre this morning – thought they were going to be fairly disengaged but was proven wrong. Spent the afternoon with a year 3 class doing Toy Theatre’s. I am certain that this group of students have taken to the project faster & with more understanding than any other group previous. I’m super stoked to see what they come up with. By the time I left the school & finished getting stuck in traffic it was time to go home.

All in all a fairly low-key day.

Strange day though – it just had that air of… it was just a bit off. Even Pat was in a bit of a funk this afternoon. Maybe the weather? It was all sorts of blustery & strange. Who knows.

Saw an odd play at The REP this evening as well. Big Fellah from Lyric Hammersmith. To be honest I don’t know a lot about the show as far as production history & etc but the show I saw could’ve benefited from a fight coach. For a play that relies on violence as one of the main points of contention for the characters it simply wasn’t believable & the play lost credibility because of it. Regardless, an interesting story but I found myself not really connected with it. I don’t have the history with the IRA that the UK and Ireland obviously does so I’m sure this plays a part. Just not the show for this particular foreigner I suppose.

Watched a horrible documentary on the UK’s national debt on channel four. The presenter/host/idiot was essentially a conservative Michael Moore whose argument conveniently failed to explain all the relevant arguments for the opposite party – nice and balanced.

Now I’m about to head to sleep – hopefully. Found a scrabble game for the iPhone & am now addicted. This may become a serious problem.

Ah, Wednesday…

It was finally sunny outside today; a much needed break from the grey skies. The black & white motif that my life was sporting was becoming a bit of a bore so I’m glad that the gods decided to provide some respite.

Soldiering on at work. Really nice meeting this morning about some potential projects & an afternoon spent taking care of some bits and bobs. Now I’m just waiting to head to The Author at The REP. Fairly stoked to see it, hoping it will be as good as the hype.

Spent Monday evening at a first read of two plays I may be directing; ‘Elegy For A Lady’ & ‘Some Kind of Love Story’ by Arthur Miller. Hoping that the funding will come through for the project, but it’s looking like we’ll be able to do it regardless. Also hoping that I’ll be able to assistant direct the Young REP production of the newly adapted Ostrich Boys – have to pass that one by the boss first.

Rest of the week is looking fairly average with a trip to Stratford-Upon-Avon to see Matilda on Saturday & Big Fella at The REP tomorrow. Lots of theatre this week.

Here’s a photo of some graffiti by my office. I think it’s neat.

Weekend has finished and I’m currently hanging out with a class of year 4 students on their break – it’s miserable outside so they’re all staying in. Bonfire night/weekend this Sat/Sun past so the scent of smoke has just gone; honestly it smelled like camp fire everywhere.

Took it easy this weekend – spent all my money while in Scotland, so I didn’t have the funds to do anything extraordinary. Pat & I went & saw ‘The Kids Are Alright’ though, I thought it was really quite excellent. I wish there were more movies in the same genre. It was fantastically refreshing to see a film that involved a queer family that artfully explored the subtleties of their relationships without indulging in (too many) cliches.

Have a read through of two scripts I may be directing tonight. Excited to hear the words out loud rather than just in my head. Have read them a couple times each now & still haven’t quite got everything about them, which is probably a good thing.

Still incredibly excited for Christmas. Really want to visit the family & friends. Wondering how I’ll manage to see everyone in the short time I’m there.

Still attempting to cram Italian into my thick skull. I want to be able to speak to my relatives & actually get to know them a bit better – hopefully go for a visit before Pat & I move back to Canada. However, now I really want to learn German so I can check out the theatre happening in Germany, particularly in Berlin. Was poking around on one of the festivals websites this past while & some of the stuff looks out of this world good.

Here’s a picture of a cat paperweight that I found in the school I’m working in. Amazing!

Took Thursday and Friday off last week. Pat & I drive up and did a blitzkrieg tour of Scotland. Spent two nights in Edinburgh, a night in Fort Augustus (on the edge of Loch Ness) and a whole lot of time in the car driving around. An astounding piece of the earth. It does have a touch of the mystical about it. It’s the hills & how the water has cut through the rocks. Its the barren fields & distant sun & gale force winds. It’s something & I wish I had had more time to get to know. A place should leave you wanting more I suppose.

Back at work yesterday, today. Fine. Same ‘ol. That’s a bit of a drag, isn’t it? Alack, it is what it is.

Now that the mini-vacation is over I’m desperately looking forward to Christmas. Can’t wait to see some friendly faces, spend time with friends & family. Gathered a new appreciation for loves ones recently. Constantly counting my blessings. I very often forget what I have. I feel guilty if I’m not doing something productive – feel as though I’m taking it all for granted. Should probably get to work then.

Here’s a picture of Loch Ness taken the morning we were set to leave. Like I said, the whole place is just a bit unlike anything I’ve seen, and too similar to the familiar for you to be anything but comfortable. Odd.